It's maddening....

I say I do not care.
I say I understand.
I say it.
I do not hear it.
I do not feel it.
So is it a lie?
I do care.
I do not understand.
I still hurt.

If

I stare into the darkness
My thoughts get lost
Being alone shakes my soul
Thoughts of what if
What if
My heart comes to know
Thoughts of you
Shattered by reality
I can not let go

Stages

Disappointment
leads to
Hurt
leads to
Frustration
leads to
Anxiety
leads to
Being upset
leads to
Confusion.

so, I ran into him again...

While waiting in line at SkyBar, he came through with his membership pass (haha, of course, he'd have a membership...everything is about "show" with this guy). I was telling my girlfriend how I knew him and remembered I had blogged about it elsewhere. Oh, and by the way, there was still no recognition...and, yes, that was still a good thing!

A few years ago I was on another site and was asked out by this particular man. He was quite attractive, according to his picture. Well, when we met...hmmm...well, let's see his picture was probably 10 years old and definitely 50 pounds lighter. But, there I was...stuck. So, we were at this Mexican restaurant for drinks and possibly dinner...after the initial meeting there would be no possibly about it. We talked about this and that and as we talked he was CRUNCHING! on the tortilla chips with crumbs falling all over himself...gawd, it was ugly... He was nice enough so I thought okay I am not taking this further to dinner, but maybe another date...giving him the benefit of the doubt. Later that week I went to brunch with him. Not any better, I tell ya. But it was obvious he was quite taken with me. He asked me out again. I declined. EVERYTHING he did and said was absolutely annoying.

Fast forward....my daughter received a post card in the mail to "model" for a particular photography studio in town. This would be for advertising their senior pictures. It was his studio! I told her about the situation, but she still wanted to pursue this, so I gave her the go ahead. They accepted her and wanted a meeting with her as well as myself. I was hoping he would not recognize me. Cee said he really shouldn't because it's been so long and I have changed....hair....weight...style. Plus, it would not have been just us. There were going to be a few other upcoming Seniors and their parents there.

As we all waited for the meeting to begin he came traipsing through the lobby and greeted us eyeballing me dead on. I thought oh no, here we go. There was that look of "I think I know you, but not sure" from him. Then we took a tour of the studios and the grounds because he is known for his outdoor props...he even has a pile of sand that can turn into the beach and ocean with a click of a mouse. All the while I am trying not to make eye contact him but also hoping he wouldn't think I was rude and not interested in what he had to say. I mean...I do know all about his studio, not so much from the couple of bad dates with him, but because my oldest daughter had her Senior pictures taken there about 2 years before the dating incident. Then he asked this, "Has anyone ever been here before and had pictures done there?" Dummy me, rose my hand....He looked at me and asked, "You?" I told him it was my daughter and he asked how long ago it was. I told him almost 6 years ago. The he says this, "Maybe that's why you look familiar." I thought Cee was going to fall out laughing. She tried so hard not to let on and just bust out laughing.

We wrapped up the meeting and Cee made arrangements for her session while he stood there and asked me all kinds of questions, still not realizing where he really knew me from.
As we left....he picked up a chip...guess how he ate it...yeap...CRUNCHING!!!!!! with crumbs falling all over the place. Even Cee notice how bad it was.

*PHEW*

Flashes

a flash fills the sky
intense heat breaks open the darkness
light falls revealing the world to me
intense longing; piercing touch
behind the walls of who you are
do not fall
a flash of life fills my heart
intense wonder; sheer pleasure
encroach on the walls of who I am
I will not fall.

Dreaming of calm and peace...It's what I feel whenever you are near.

I stood along the dock wondering at the enormity of my voyage ahead. I longed to lose myself in another world, in another time and place. But I had never known anything other than my smallness. You sensed my trepidation. You came to stand beside me. In your presence, I suddenly felt a calm wash over me. No words were spoken as you looked at me. You offered your hand. I saw in your eyes a peace and understanding of where my adventure would lead. I took your hand as you lead me aboard this vast vessel. I did not see you again for some time after I boarded the ship. I thought of my handsome new friend as I wandered the deck wondering had you really been there. Or had I imagined you and had gathered my strength from some where else, from some where mystical and magical. I would need that inner strength for on one particular night the seas were not accommodating. They were particularly rough. Many were sick. I went to the bow to dare feel the spray lash against the ship. I was not afraid. I felt your presence around me. Suddenly, I lost my footing and thought for sure I would fall into the abyss. And just as suddenly, I felt your arms around me telling me "You are my lady of the sea. I will keep you safe from harm."

What is it that you choose to show?

I took one of those mindless quizzes on a social networking website. And it was about what would your life quote be. Mine said this, “Don’t be so quick to judge me. You only see what I choose to show.” And it’s got me thinking that this quote would fit most people depending on what situation they were in.

Take for instance me. I have been seeing someone for a little while, yet there has been some interest by another. And, since the first was undefined, as in exclusivity, I decided to go out with the other just to see where my interest was in all of this.

It was very clear to me.

My interest was very much with the first. I behaved very badly with the other. I didn’t say any of the right things. All I was doing was comparing the two of them in my mind. It wasn’t even a contest. The first won hands down.

But, then I was thinking about if I was doing this with the other, what had the first done with me initially?

Was he on his p’s and q’s to win me over? Was he saying and doing all the right things to reel me in? Well, it worked. The song and dance was flawless. The dog and pony show was impeccable. I don’t believe it was an act.

And, yet there is that proverbial bait and switch…..

I have since discovered his life is a mess. But, it’s not a mess I can’t handle. It’s not a mess where I can’t be there. I would do anything to take that mess away, but I can’t. All I can do is be there for him, but he isn’t allowing me. He has shut me out.

So much for shmoopy.

He has no idea how much his shutting me out hurts. Shutting me out hurts more than being in the middle of his mess.

So, I have to wonder, is his shutting me out an act? Is he choosing to show me this just to push me away?

It seems to take a lot to keep my attention.

I have come to realize that I put too much on the other person to keep my attention. I am a simple person, certainly not high maintenance, yet I have found that my attention wanders. And I have to ask myself why. Is it him or is it me or the combination of the two? There has to be lack when attention is not held. Or is it a lack mentality that creates the void.

He came into my life very unsuspecting and not in the greatest of circumstances. If it were any other time...maybe any other man…I would not have given him much thought. But he slipped in under the radar quickly getting my attention. More importantly, he quickly held my attention. There is a calm and ease about him. Maybe that is why it is easy to be with him. He is uncomplicated, even if his life is complicated, because he is open, honest and genuine. He is sincere.

Maybe it's the reciprocation of honest feelings that hold my attention.

Whatever it is, my attention is fixed, but I won't make it his responsibility to hold it.

Timing and Instinct

how they go hand in hand
gentleness cradled in strength
light in a smile
windows to a calming soul
thoughts in balance
yet thoughts of hope
yielding to hesitation
don't hesitate
don't think
feel what the heart feels
want what the heart wants
let go
it's there
let go

Knowing

you know who I am
you feel the doubt
yet stay away
till confusion sets in
and then like a breeze
you refresh me
once again