In the grand scheme...

I have had this urge to write today. I don't know about what...or to whom. There are many things I could spend my time writing about...and many more people to whom it could be about.

But, I just spent a few minutes watching a video. A bittersweet video about a baby...to a baby...a lil baby boy who only lived 99 days. But, in those precious days you could see how much love there was for him. For 99 days, his parents loved and nurtured him. For each of those 99 days, they celebrated his birthday with cake, pictures, candles, party hats, and even friends stopped by.

Love like that is so precious and every day needs to be a celebration. If we all loved liked that...as if that day were the last with that person...as if nothing else mattered but the care of and for that other person...what a wonderful world this would be.

Is it too much to ask? Is that so far from reality?

Would you be able to give so much of yourself to another and expect NOTHING in return? Could you do it, knowing they can give NOTHING back?...but...pretend they can't. Ask yourself, if this person could do nothing else for you, would you be able to love them so unconditionally?

We might be able to do it for a time...but for how long? How long before you slip into the "what's in it for me?" mentality?

I dare you to try to love unconditionally....truly without thought of reciprocity.

They say....

you shouldn't really look back...to your past...things of old...regrets you've made, but sometimes the past has a way of becoming your present...and maybe your future.

It's been 2 years since it started, more or less. But, maybe only about a year since it ended so abruptly.

Friendship....how do you define a friendship?

I used this term with only one friend; "cher ami". Because he was such a dear friend. I cherished our talks...he talked me off the proverbial ledge on more than one occasion. I bent his ear to the point I believe its been permanently disfigured. Hopefully, time has managed to put it to rights.

Every now and again he has popped up and we've had a short cursory conversation. You know those "polite" conversations that scratch the surface of what was.

Until recently...

What he said has been reverberating in my soul for a few days now...

Oh, let me say this before I go further. When I was writing before, there were many posts that were inspired by our talks. And, I believe, his opened that door once again.

I thought surely our conversation was going to go the way our other conversations have gone. Nowhere. Just a few polite words...a few jabs...because that is how we do. But, it took a turn that I did NOT see coming.

The words that keep poking at my heart are "because I care for you"....there is a clear difference when someone says that versus "I care about you". When used with "for", the phrase indicates a relation of cause or purpose. When used with "about", the phrase indicates a concerning. So, there is a clear purpose of his care for me in how he used the phrase. Plus, he used the phrase in the present tense! And with him, he is very careful with his words. He takes nothing he says lightly. That one word change is just gnawing at my logical mind...there is nothing logical about this because of what I have been through with him.

I did not realize I had hurt him. That saddens me. At one point, I was so angry with him that I publicly belittled him for being scorned. I did apologize to him, as well as publicly, for my actions. But, I did not realize that I did hurt him for things I asked of him.

I do know of how he feels for being asked such things. We are more than what we see. And, I did not treat him with respect. I do honestly know how that feels.

So, our friendship has ebbed and flowed over many rocky shores...but I see that some of those rocks have been made smooth with the passing of time.

Cher ami, I do hope you will forgive me for my insensitivity.

It's been a long time coming.....

Well, it seems this page has been visited more than a few times since my last post.

First, thanks so much for even wanting to keep up with me. Second...I just don't believe you really care that much about what is going on with me....or is it that you are that nosey?

but...hey....

I am not even sure what's triggered my want to write again. Even now, I answered a phone call from a friend. He asked me what I was doing and I said writing. He, being the curious person he is, asked what was I writing. I said a blog...then went on to explain how I came to blogging, where I have blogged, and why I do it.

This post is now something I didn't think it would be tonight...maybe what I had planned to write about will come later (if at all).

Blogging is a way for me to get out of my head. But, I have been hesitant in writing for some time for fear of what some may say about what I write about. But, then again, it's my writing. You really don't have to like it. This is my therapy, of sorts.

Going back to the phone call...

This one is tricky. I wasn't even sure I should answer his call. Our last conversation was not so nice.

Let give you the back story...we have been texting, calling (he more than me as he would quickly point out to anyone who asked), and occasionally emailing (he's been in Jacksonville and the ocean with the Navy for the last month or so), but nothing has really come of it cause I was seeing someone else (not seriously...but enough for me to not see anyone else) and he has a girlfriend in Georgia(but things were...have been not going well with the 2 of them) (now on the phone with him.....it's HAD...but anyway). So, our last conversation went sort of like this....

I called...he fumbled for the phone...it hung up...he called me back...

You called?
Yeah...how are you?
Taking a nap.
Oh...okay...
How are you?
Good.
(now mind you I can tell he is grumpy from trying to nap unsuccessfully)
So, how are things in Georgia?
They're going....how are things with that one guy you've been seeing?
I am not seeing him anymore.
Oh, so now you are calling me. You don't call me. I am not anyone's second choice.
And neither am I. Talk to you later.
Yeah.

we both hung up the phone

This was about a week ago or so. I wasn't happy with that conversation and there was nothing vested in this relationship, so I deleted his number and wasn't too concerned about not hearing from him again.

Then 2 nights ago I get a text saying "new number", of course, from the new number...but no indication as to who the new number belongs to. So, I text back asking and it's HIS!!?? He said he thought he should give it to me because I haven't kept in touch....

Wow.....he's quick!

I told him I deleted his number because of our last conversation and I wasn't keeping the new one or planning on keeping in touch.

I got "ok" back....

now tonight.....

He asked when could we go out. I told him he was not nice during our last conversation. I told him even if we did go out and got along that I would be in the back seat and Miss Georgia Peach would still be riding the front. That made him laugh...then he informed me that they are no longer seeing each other. But, I still told him his comment about not being second choice was no better than what would have happened had he still had his girlfriend the picture. He agreed and apologized.

That's where that is right now....he supposed to call me later.